I was a tree-and-bunny hugger until God appeared in my room. Unlike the muscular, grey bearded Creator depicted on the ceiling of that famous chapel in Rome, God looks like Ronald Reagan. However, like that painting, He did reach out to me with His finger. Then he pointed it at me and said, “Build an Ark, for a Great Flood cometh,” He intoned. He sounds like Charlton Heston – who sounds like Moses.

“But, Lord, didn’t thou already do that one a long time ago? And wasn’t there a recent hokey movie about building a modern day Ark?”

“I have the whole world in my hands,” God replied, “except for Hollywood.”

Then God told me about Flood Again, His next Great Plan: As greenhouse gases build the planet becomes warmer and warmer, the ice caps melt and, well, you know the rest.

“But Lord,” I said, “I’m a working woman. I don’t have time to build an Ark.”

“Quit thy job, start a church, and get thy followers to support ye and pay for the project.”
 

“But Lord, I don’t know how Noah did it – all those creatures! Two of each! Never mind the lions, tigers and giraffes. What about the 35,000 species of beetle and the more than 40,000 species of spider? That’s 70,000 beetles and more than 80,000 spiders. What about the 150+ species of poison dart frog, that’s more than 300 dart frogs alone. …And where did Noah put the fish tanks? When the Flood comes, fresh, salt, warm and cold waters will combine…”

“Oh ye of little faith,” God said, “That is why I kicked-off Rapid Extinction. Have not ye noticed that plants and animals are rapidly dropping by the wayside? It is all part of my scheme. Verily I say unto you: About 6,000 years ago (never mind what the scientists sayeth) I created dinosaurs so that humans would eventually discover oil and develop the fossil fuels, petroleum based pollutants, plastics and pesticides that will eventually kill almost everything on the planet. Ye will not have to worry about beetles or spiders, because there will be none to worry about. As we speak, colony collapse is putting the kibosh to bees and bats, and sea turtles and other marine life are being choked to death by those bright little toys (I think they’re called “balloons”) and other trash in the oceans. Global warming, acid rain, rainforest destruction; they are all part of The Plan, and it goes on and on. Pretty clever, huh? By the time Flood Again hits, there will only be humans, cats and cockroaches to choose from. Ye can handle six passengers, can ye not?”

“Oh, yes, Lord!”

“Meanwhile, all of Creation can rest comfortably under a warm, cozy blanket of greenhouse gases.”

“Thank you, Lord!”

“Don’t mention it,” God replied. Then he disappeared, and I haven’t heard from him since. I do know His wishes, though, and I intend to obey them. So, Brethren, I say unto you that to be part of the Great Plan, you must pollute as much as possible, join the Holy Afossil Church, and support it by giving all of your worldly possessions to me, your Spiritual Leader, so that I may build the Ark Two, furnish it with the latest modern conveniences, and buy a Hummer.

Attention! All members of the Afossil congregation between the ages of 18 to 25! If you give everything you own to the church, you will be entered in our raffle and eligible for our special prize. When the Time comes, the young man and young woman who hold the winning tickets will enjoy all an all-expense-paid trip aboard the Ark Two. So, don’t be Left Behind! Enter now, and sing alleluia!

Attention! George W. Bush, his administration, and many of his friends, family and acquaintances: Because you have done so much to speed along God’s plan, you have a special dispensation, so you can put away your water-wings and life rafts.

Peace be with you, and ahoy!

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